Printed from this week’s Libertarian Humorist featured article:

Trent Lott’s Hair is Cool

..and the need for a Republican Coolness Ombudsman

Trey Ratcliff

No it’s not; nor is the hair of most power-Republicans in the Senate. What is it about these die-hard conservatives? I know they’re not too big on evolution, so maybe this is why their hairstyles stopped evolving around the time of Darwin.

The American public would generally think Republicans were cooler if they would elect Senate leaders and spokesman that looked a heck of a lot cooler than Trent Lott or Tom Delay. I’m not talking Pauly Shore cool, but more like Ron Livingston cool (that guy from Office Space). Can you imagine Ron up there in front of the mikes on Capitol Hill or on Larry King, leaning back and saying, “You know, Larry, all this tax stuff? It’s BS.”

So, we all know I am an ardent Libertarian, and I generally think the Republicans are just as bad as the Democrats in a lot of ways. But I do know why the Republicans have such a hard time resonating with a big chunk of America, and I guarantee you it is because of these stodgy stooges with hair that could block gamma rays.

Look at the Daily Show crowd. The obsequious crowd led by their reluctant host, Jon Stewart, roar in laughter as soon as a picture of Trent Lott appears on his screen. People see Lott, and they think of a 1940’s Republican that’s got a few slaves back at home that still haven’t heard about that Emancipation Proclamation thing. This “Daily Show Demographic” is the one thing keeping the Republicans from a tiny majority to a super-majority, and it is stiffs like Trent Lott that are getting in the way.

Not that Trent Lott is a bad guy, but he’s just not cool enough for mass market media appeal. Unfortunately, that is extremely important in today’s world. Worse, there is a ghastly cycle where uncool Republicans keep themselves, like an exclusive club, in the elite media spotlight by sitting around and lauding themselves with reciprocal encomiums. Guys like Lott can actually run the show in the background, but they should elect majority leaders and other spokesman that can make a cool splash in the media.

There will always be Republicans with bad hair, but they should stay out of camera shot. People in Mississippi, Kansas, and Texas and other places feel very comfortable electing Republicans that have the same haircut as their pastors that stop by the local BBQ joint after Sunday service to share cole-slaw with their flocks.

And as long as the Republicans are seeking a “coolness ombudsman”, there is another important job for that person, besides keeping Tom Delay in the closet, which is a location, I am sure he would agree, that is better than being out of the closet. This critical secondary task is to pre-filter candidates from even running; in this case, Gary Bauer.

I actually did a Google search to find this picture, and on the first page, a picture of Arnold from Different Strokes came up too. I think this is because Google is using this new height-matching algorithm.

A Republican Coolness Ombudsman would immediately grab people like Gary (Bauer, not Coleman) by the shoulders and tell him to please, please not run. Not only does he have no chance of winning, but he also needs psychological counseling to figure out why he is unable to take an objective look at himself. Worse, his TV time just reminds people of the “inner stiff “inside every Republican.

If the leadership for the Republicans doesn’t begin to get a clue on how to be cool, the general public will continue to mistake CSPAN for the 700 Club. At least those guys at the 700 Club know how to party like it’s 1 BC.