I checked the mail today and look what I found out – there is a warrant out for my arrest!
So I had to quickly lean back in my office chair and think back through all the somewhat illegal things I have done, the things that I did that were probably illegal, the things I did that were completely illegal, the things I did that appeared to be illegal to people driving by, the things that were illegal but no one cares about, and the legal things that I did that were in poor taste. After I spent a few hours reliving these good times, I had to filter it down to Milford, Texas, where, as you can see, is the origin of this arrest warrant and where my picture is probably being distributed to local crossing guards.
Now there is not a lot to do in Milford, of that, I am sure, so my options for getting in trouble with the law are further limited. Milford is not a big town. According to census data, in 1892, they had a population of 800. In 1990, the population was 711. It is a fair guess that a high percentage of the Milford population is busy churning out arrest warrants for yours truly. This is actually quite sad, because I am actually an incredibly wonderful citizen that pays an assload of taxes and keeps a trimmed lawn.
The only thing I can think of is a possible speeding ticket from last year. Milford sits on I-35 between Dallas and Austin – a drive I have made dozens of times and there is a little speed trap there. They are used to giving tickets to college-aged miscreants who travel back and forth between UT in Austin and Dallas. I’d love to know what percentage of their city’s income comes from handing out speeding tickets. But I can’t be sure that is the problem. I did get a ticket in that area… and it cost me about $250. I remember paying extra to keep it from going on my car insurance — but I have very little confidence in the back-office accounting IT infrastructure of the Milford accounts receivable department. Oh well, something else to do tomorrow to drain my energy. I’m sure that Milford will use the revenue to buy another laser printer and expand their warrant-issuing infrastructure.