Running from the law

I checked the mail today and look what I found out – there is a warrant out for my arrest!

So I had to quickly lean back in my office chair and think back through all the somewhat illegal things I have done, the things that I did that were probably illegal, the things I did that were completely illegal, the things I did that appeared to be illegal to people driving by, the things that were illegal but no one cares about, and the legal things that I did that were in poor taste. After I spent a few hours reliving these good times, I had to filter it down to Milford, Texas, where, as you can see, is the origin of this arrest warrant and where my picture is probably being distributed to local crossing guards.

Now there is not a lot to do in Milford, of that, I am sure, so my options for getting in trouble with the law are further limited. Milford is not a big town. According to census data, in 1892, they had a population of 800. In 1990, the population was 711. It is a fair guess that a high percentage of the Milford population is busy churning out arrest warrants for yours truly. This is actually quite sad, because I am actually an incredibly wonderful citizen that pays an assload of taxes and keeps a trimmed lawn.

The only thing I can think of is a possible speeding ticket from last year. Milford sits on I-35 between Dallas and Austin – a drive I have made dozens of times and there is a little speed trap there. They are used to giving tickets to college-aged miscreants who travel back and forth between UT in Austin and Dallas. I’d love to know what percentage of their city’s income comes from handing out speeding tickets. But I can’t be sure that is the problem. I did get a ticket in that area… and it cost me about $250. I remember paying extra to keep it from going on my car insurance — but I have very little confidence in the back-office accounting IT infrastructure of the Milford accounts receivable department. Oh well, something else to do tomorrow to drain my energy. I’m sure that Milford will use the revenue to buy another laser printer and expand their warrant-issuing infrastructure.

  • A year ago I could have helped you with this. Since then I’ve also made enemies with the law enforcement in Texas. I don’t think I’d make it out of the airport if I were to travel there.

    Oh, and this is probably about that school teacher you had sex with. You remember him, right? He remembers you.

  • It COULD be about that, but it really looked like a woman, so I think the judge will be grig n’ lenient. That episode reminds me – have you ever been to Singapore?

  • I can’t say I’ve ever been there. I hear it’s very nice, but my ladyfriend does not approve of other people caning my lilly white ass.

  • Yes, that is an aspect of Singapore, but I was actually talking about the copious number of ladyboys there, in reference to your wonderfully inappropriate quip.

  • It’s easy to see how I could have missed that having never been there. Do they get the apple-ectomy to make it more difficult to spot them?

  • It’s really tough to spot them after the lights are off and you are $25 lighter in the pocket.

  • The moustache and World Series rings are usually a dead giveaway though.

  • Drakmarr

    I think you have moved off the subject a little bit; what was the result of this wonderous warrant you twisted criminal you never completed the story or was this all meant to be some wretched cliffhanger.

  • I’m Glad i dont get those kind of reminders 🙂

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