Gonna be Gone

I will be away from blogging for about 2 weeks, as I am headed down to the backwoods of the Caribbean to the Four Seasons at Nevis.

After that, I am going to Isla de Vieques for a few days. Up there I plan on visiting one of the world’s only biobays where there are these glowing blue flagellates – see! Anyway, that looks kinda cool.

Usually whenever I go to the Caribbean I end up getting scowled at by bitter islanders who look at me as if they suspect me to trade some rum so I can take them home with me. Of course, I don’t plan on doing that, since I now get most of my cotton products from Walmart.

Lost some blog posts!

Hmm… vexed… lost some good stuff there… hmmm…. many entries disappeared.

Paniker the Taxi Driver

This guy was a hoot. As you can see from his name, it really is “Paniker.” His sideburns set us at ease and was a nice yin to the name of his yang.

He spent the whole cab ride (about 30 minutes) complaining about all the Muslim tourists in KL from the Middle East and how mean they are. Paniker said all they do is insult him and everything around them. After getting out of the cab, he said, these Muslims kick his cab and rub the bottom of their shoe on the cab (a big insult from the Muslims, saying that the cab driver is “beneath” them.) He says this even happens to Buddhist cab drivers. How can you hate a Buddhist? I mean, come on…

20 Ways to Maintain Sanity

A friend of mine from Florida sent this to me today… a few funny ones in there.

20 ways to maintain your sanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom and do not disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In”.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For Sexual Favors!”

7. Finish all of your sentences with; “In accordance with the prophecy.”

8. Don’t use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are, then laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go.”

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock-Hard.

17. When the money comes out he ATM, scream “I won! I won!”

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”

19. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity…

20. Do this once a month and its called therapy..

Our Brains Hurt

After a day’s long session of sitting in the lobby, drinking tea, and churning out Set Items for Happy Car, our brains were really hurting. I think I convinced Gustaf to pick up an Apple though…. he now understands the latent greatness of them. I hate how I have become one of those annoying pro-Apple people. It’s almost like I am wearing a black turtleneck.

Cempedak makes durian taste like chocolate

I thought I had reached the bottom of the taste food chain with Durian the other day, but it was nothing next to “cempadak”. This stuff is just horrible. You can see in the first picture it looks kind of unassuming, somewhat like a pealed peach. The taste was absolutely so repulsive that I ended up taking about four bites just so that I could really experience and understand what made it so terrible. By the fifth bite, my body actually had a Pavlovian response and my throat closed up.

Then someone had the bright idea to deep-fry them, so they took them to the back of the restaurant and did it. My hosts (Lee Mei and Yoke Chin in the pic) explained to me that deep-fried cempadak was actually a preferred way of eating them. Why I listened to them after a week’s worth of food lies is beyond me. So I tried it, and it was just the same old taste just hotter than hell. In fact, it tasted like I was putting a red-hot molten glass ball in my mouth.

Lord Ratcliff

Whenever I stay in Asia, I am in all the hotel computers as “Lord Ratcliff”, since I filled out an online form once. It’s really funny how they all call me “Lord Ratcliff” whenever they see me around the hotel or in the restaurants. I expected to be given a doublet or some quarterhorses for a fox hunt, but so far I have not gotten anything special yet. Occasionally I do toss a few shillings on the ground as I pass to keep up the lordly image.

Durian – Yuck!

My Malaysian hosts know that I am keen to try anything new and different – so they took me to a special Durian market. Now if you don’t know what durian is, let me tell you. It is a fruit that is banned from 100% of the hotels in Malaysia and you are thrown in prison if you try to take it on an airplane? What kind of fruit can cause that much havoc? Durian.

It’s awful.

It tastes like a peach soaked in tar and sulfur, without the peach flavor. It also has the consistency of monkey brain and the smell of a Taun Taun. If it gets in your car, the smell stays there for over a week and the scent alone is known for making people wretch in public.

In sum, Durian is bad, maize is what the Indians call “corn”, and the South shall rise again.

Trent Lott’s Hair is Cool

Printed from this week’s Libertarian Humorist featured article:

Trent Lott’s Hair is Cool

..and the need for a Republican Coolness Ombudsman

Trey Ratcliff

No it’s not; nor is the hair of most power-Republicans in the Senate. What is it about these die-hard conservatives? I know they’re not too big on evolution, so maybe this is why their hairstyles stopped evolving around the time of Darwin.

The American public would generally think Republicans were cooler if they would elect Senate leaders and spokesman that looked a heck of a lot cooler than Trent Lott or Tom Delay. I’m not talking Pauly Shore cool, but more like Ron Livingston cool (that guy from Office Space). Can you imagine Ron up there in front of the mikes on Capitol Hill or on Larry King, leaning back and saying, “You know, Larry, all this tax stuff? It’s BS.”

So, we all know I am an ardent Libertarian, and I generally think the Republicans are just as bad as the Democrats in a lot of ways. But I do know why the Republicans have such a hard time resonating with a big chunk of America, and I guarantee you it is because of these stodgy stooges with hair that could block gamma rays.

Look at the Daily Show crowd. The obsequious crowd led by their reluctant host, Jon Stewart, roar in laughter as soon as a picture of Trent Lott appears on his screen. People see Lott, and they think of a 1940′s Republican that’s got a few slaves back at home that still haven’t heard about that Emancipation Proclamation thing. This “Daily Show Demographic” is the one thing keeping the Republicans from a tiny majority to a super-majority, and it is stiffs like Trent Lott that are getting in the way.

Not that Trent Lott is a bad guy, but he’s just not cool enough for mass market media appeal. Unfortunately, that is extremely important in today’s world. Worse, there is a ghastly cycle where uncool Republicans keep themselves, like an exclusive club, in the elite media spotlight by sitting around and lauding themselves with reciprocal encomiums. Guys like Lott can actually run the show in the background, but they should elect majority leaders and other spokesman that can make a cool splash in the media.

There will always be Republicans with bad hair, but they should stay out of camera shot. People in Mississippi, Kansas, and Texas and other places feel very comfortable electing Republicans that have the same haircut as their pastors that stop by the local BBQ joint after Sunday service to share cole-slaw with their flocks.

And as long as the Republicans are seeking a “coolness ombudsman”, there is another important job for that person, besides keeping Tom Delay in the closet, which is a location, I am sure he would agree, that is better than being out of the closet. This critical secondary task is to pre-filter candidates from even running; in this case, Gary Bauer.

I actually did a Google search to find this picture, and on the first page, a picture of Arnold from Different Strokes came up too. I think this is because Google is using this new height-matching algorithm.

A Republican Coolness Ombudsman would immediately grab people like Gary (Bauer, not Coleman) by the shoulders and tell him to please, please not run. Not only does he have no chance of winning, but he also needs psychological counseling to figure out why he is unable to take an objective look at himself. Worse, his TV time just reminds people of the “inner stiff “inside every Republican.

If the leadership for the Republicans doesn’t begin to get a clue on how to be cool, the general public will continue to mistake CSPAN for the 700 Club. At least those guys at the 700 Club know how to party like it’s 1 BC.

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